My Single Pregnancy: The Beginning Of Something New
My single pregnancy came as a plot twist in an already mad story, what would this mean for my future?
I’m not entirely sure how to open here… I’ve long promised a blog detailing my single pregnancy journey to end up being too busy; though it has to be said I do enjoy writing and blogging. However, it’s been easy to push aside; feeling a bit of a task when so much else has been going on.
Like when you fall unexpectedly pregnant for instance, maybe.
I guess I’ll start by letting you know who I am; my life journey so to speak; to set the scene. Then everything else will make sense.
My journey in my single pregnancy, how I cope as a new parent; a single one at that. I’m hoping that doing this it’ll allow me to talk about and process what’s been going on; but also to help any other new single mums or mums-to-be, that feel they might want something to relate to.
I know that particularly very early on in my single pregnancy I was Googling my tush off trying to find information; trawling looking women who’d been through the same. Instagram has helped me massively here!
There are many ups and downs that came with my single pregnancy; a few life dramas, stirred with the pregnancy hormones **Sobs** not easy!! But it was it's also pretty darn cool too. Pregnancy, was without a doubt, one of my favorite life experiences.
The rest of the post is a throwback to my single pregnant self…
My name is Amanda Jayne, most people just call me Amanda.
I’m a recently turned dirty 30 who fell pregnant earlier this year to a man ( let’s use this term loosely given circumstances) that I barely knew but would have at the time considered a new friend.
As I write I am 20 weeks into my single pregnancy with my little girl ( who I called Little Bean, before she was gendered). I’m excited, nervous, and have hit a million ups and downs; but I carry on working, training and being me daily.
I worked out I was pregnant very early on at around 3 and a half weeks! Crazy times, ‘ you just know’ as they say. As it was so early on, I spent hours navigating Google; checking my symptoms, seeing what faint pregnancy tests meant; is it a chemical pregnancy? Is it a fluke? Can I test from 4 weeks?
As I was so early in guessing that it was too early to even test to see if Little Bean was there. I had to work out how to tell the dad, how to tell my family and decide what exactly I was going to do.
I’m living and working on my own in London, is what I do in training safe? And work? Self-employed work at that!! I had some serious decisions to make.
So I’m a mum now?.. Yep!! Abortion was never an option. Never.
The father of the baby doesn’t want to know and refuses to tell his parents. 3 weeks ago, he asked for a Paternity Test when I told him he didn’t have to be physically involved; but he’s still legally financially responsible for his daughter.
He’s from Australia and also works in the Fitness Industry; which doesn’t really do much to dispel the stance that guys that work in the fitness industry tend to be jackasses ( I can assure you that a lot are not!!!).
I’ve done all that I can to try to get him to thaw and come round, but I won’t beg anyone to be in my daughter’s life. I’ll raise her just fine, and with bucket loads of love at that.
I heard all the classic lines and accusations; including accusing me of keeping my daughter in order to try and be with him.. **facepalm** When I didn’t actually ask him to be with me; at any point since becoming pregnant.
More on that whole shebang later.
As it stands, I don’t speak to the dad anymore. I leave him to it, he can regret it later when he misses everything including all the scans I invited him to. Although I’m still in turmoil as to whether to notify his family myself, I’m sure they’d want to know about their granddaughter.
Me? What About My Family?
I’ve lost both of my parents. So, at the moment, no grandparents for my little toot. I lost my mum only last year. She was my best friend, and I’m still struggling to come to terms with the fact she is gone.
That was the beginning of the nightmare that was 2016; to look back on, it was bleak and numbingly painful. Looking back on pictures of myself at the time, it looks like a part of me had died with her.
It was a rough time and one I’d wish on no one. That unbearable pain of watching their loved ones die, in such a slow and seemingly cruel way towards the end.
It was the second round in Intensive Care for us too; just a horrible replay; history repeating itself. We’d lost my dad to alcohol too 13 years earlier. Not exactly leaving me loving the idea of my impending hospital trips.
We lost my father when I was 15 years old, and my sister was 12; equally as painful. He went into ICU at the end of my Standard Grade exams, leaving this world us a few days later.
When we’d been in the little room the doctors take you to to give you the bad news, mum had turned to me when the doctor asked on the decision of switching off the life support. To this day, I still feel like it was me that made that decision; because, well, I did. That’s an awful weight for a 15-year-old to carry. I’d later come to understand what it meant to be so emotionally abused that decisions like that would be too scared to make.
Both parents lost their lives due to battles with alcohol addiction, which is painful to watch and makes for a tough mental battle; and a lot of collateral damage.
So my sister and I have had a bit of a rough ride, my sister lives in Aberdeen. I will be moving back up to be nearer her, she has been very ill the last year, so yeah, life has been a challenge, to say the least. I’m looking forward to be closer to her so we can do this near each other, however, not too close as we have quite fiery fall outs at times. (Update: We’re no longer in contact 2020)
What About My Career?
I’m a fitness professional that works in Central London, rather successfully, in Personal Training and Class Instruction. I’ve run my own business for many years now, 4 and a half years have been within Central London. You could say I’m pretty lucky; though I’d say it’s all been hard graft! It’s not really luck, but choosing to ‘ follow my dreams ‘, doing as much as I can to achieve those goals; building a business I could be proud of.
I’m currently a Personal Trainer based in Gymbox Farringdon; an incredible gym that boasts some of the best equipment in the UK. Currently, the largest training facility across one floor in the UK; and a tough place to make your business; but damn, when you do it is worth the graft.
I teach classes for a lot of gyms, particularly spin classes; which I love and have taught for 8 years now. I have been UK PT Ambassador for Fitness First UK; representing them at a national level, writing and contributing to over 100 articles in Magazines such as InStyle Online, GQ, Women’s Fitness, Runners World, and The Daily Mail, with my own workout spread in Fit & Well Magazine. I also wrote part of the coaching course for the Royal Parks Half Marathon; delivered it, performed on the Warm-Up stage, then ran it in 1'38…
I’ve also competed in Bikini Figure competitions such as WBFF, UKBFF, Miami Pro; and a few others, with a highest placing of 3rd. I managed to achieve the abs I’d promised I would get myself before having a baby.
I now enjoy training in Crossfit; the love of being able to combine my passion of strength training and my weird love for cardio; which is apparently rare…
Why am I outlining my training history?…
Ah it all fits in. SO, the first thing I panicked about in my unexpected single pregnancy was that my life was going to change beyond all imagination. As a self-employed business owner, well, that’s been particularly terrifying. Especially as I’m going it alone; how am I going to cope without the maternity leave pay?… And what happens to my business now?…
I want to talk about my fitness and business journey through my single pregnancy, how I’ve kept it all going, and how I’ve had to modify it as time has gone on; making sure I stay well for growing my little girly.
I want to tell you about my hopes and plans for the future as a mother, and as a businesswoman and fitnut. We don’t need to be wrapped up in cotton wool through pregnancy, but we certainly need to be sensible, as growing a little one is a HUGE task on the body. So learning to rest has been something really new for me.
These are all things I plan on writing about in separate blog posts to really go into how I personally have felt, dealt with; and not-so-much dealt with. I think some of these will really help some others.
We all have a different journey; a different set of circumstances, and it can be hard to remember at times that many other women are going through the same; sometimes worse. However, it’s so important to not downplay your feelings, your importance, and how you take your journey.
Everyone will have their say and you’ll have hard times where you realize not everyone is there for you. That being said, you’ll make new friends; and you are currently housing and growing your new best friend!
I know I have jumped around like a little jumping bean a bit on this first installment, but I just wanted to provide a very brief outline on all the things that have influenced my life, and in turn my pregnancy.
It all adds up to me being me. I’ll talk about the tumultuous last 2 years of my life, that I’ve successfully survived and thrived through; the loss of my parents, in particular, my mum; and the counseling that I undertook to try and make sense of it.
It hurts to be pregnant and not be able to share it with my parents; not able to see their excitement or benefit from their support like many others have.
I’ll talk about how it feels going it alone without a partner being there; and how I’ve had a tendency since losing my mum to fall for dickhead narcissists; which is why I find it’ll be better to be alone until this habit changes.
I’ll also talk about the cool stuff, like BEING PREGNANT!
Fitness and lifestyle in pregnancy, developing my business; and plans for the future; the cool stuff that comes with going it alone (it feels pretty satisfying getting your nest together without ‘daddy’ there to help you; ESPECIALLY when he tells you you can’t do it. I’m stubborn and driven; that doubt only serves to motivate me) Knowing I’ve created a special someone who never leaves me be alone; and that I love so much; without having even met her yet.
It’s important for me to show you the hard parts as well as the good parts. I’m fed up of the positivity police; just because I hurt sometimes and some things SUCK and I don’t hide it, doesn’t make me negative. It’s ok to hurt; it’s healthy to feel hurt. I am grateful for the cards I am dealt here; and will strive to make the best of everything.
Originally published at https://strongmamamoves.com on May 2, 2020.
